Attention: Mass-Tort Law Suit Against John Grisham

Attention, to the blogging community. This is a message to all readers out there - if you happened to read a semi-recent book of John Grisham called King of Torts, you may be in danger. Your life has officially gone down a few notches in the suck-factor. If you are an unfortunate victime of this, please call 1-800-PISS-OFF.

Now, normally I wouldn't review a book, simply because no one reads books anymore, sadly enough. However, when society is dumbing down as much as it is and then a renouned author publishes something this crappy, I feel the need to step in and declare the shittiness to the community as to prevent further dismay in the reading community.

Before I begin, let me explain what a tort-lawyer does. You know those TV-lawyers who say stuff like "if you are afflicted with this disease and you took X-drug, you might be eligible for compensation. This drug is very dangerous and has very harmful side effects, etc."? Well, that's basically what they do - run massive TV-ads and get thousands of clients and then use incriminating evidence to go up against drug-companies and get large settlements. These settlements, however, usually they rake 30-45% off the top, so they make hundreds of millions of dollars on these cases.

First of all, let me give a brief summary of this peice of absolute trash before I get any further. Well, the book is simply about a man named Clay Carter who works at the Office of the Public Defender who leads a very low-wage life and has a girlfriend who's parents are rich a-holes and they think he's trash because he makes low-wages. He gets an opportunity to represent a drug company under the table who made a major mistake and because of this, becomes a multimillionaire overnight. Then with his newly started law-firm, he delves into the world of mass-torts and ambulance chasing lawyership.

Let me say that first of all, lawyers that do mass-torts are assholes. That's not really helping anyone other than themselves and all their doing is putting a pock-mark on the entire profession - just asking people to label lawyers as "money-hungry jackasses."

Just for additional background - Clay Carter, when he originally delved into this world, was a nice man who did not wish to become a jet-owning millionaire because he didn't believe in this lifestyle. So what does he do 100 pages later? He buys a damned 30 million dollar jet. What a fricking sellout. I definitely do not empathize with this F-head when his life goes down the tubes at the end of the book.

Oh yes, and let me tell you that the ending is so shitty that I will spoil it without regret. Clay gets into this situation where he has about.. 30,000 clients for this one drug-case and he needs this individual laywer to win before he can get a settlement. The individual lawyer is taking names and kicking ass, not to mention destroying every witness the drug company brings up to the stand. And then guess what? The jury comes back and rules in favor of, FAKEOUT, the drug company. Therefore, Clay is f***ed in the A and he loses all of his money and declares bankruptcy. In case you're not getting this? The ending is a load of crap. There's no plausible way that this would happen and even if there was, this is not what you call a "twist-ending," this is what you call a "cop-out" ending. Come on Grisham, you can do better than that man..

The problem with this book is that when I was about halfway through it, there was no real conflict, it was just chronicalling Clay Carter's life of excess. If I wanted to hear something about shmucks spending millions of dollars on planes and squandering their fortunes (that were gained by insider trading), I would turn on the news and hear about insider trading there and Martha Stewart. But oh wait, I don't.

I have a message for Grisham and all the other "renouned" authors out there - please don't pump out shitty books. Appeal to the masses and write something actually worth reading. I know you have it in you. You can and should do it. Thank you.

Under the Knife

Quite the hellacious week, from the lovely incident on day one of finals to the wonderful surgery that I had to have on a tooth the Friday after finals.

I sit here.. oh.. probably 24 hours after the surgery is done, with a gaping wound in my mouth where a tooth used to be and oh yes, did I mention that part of the Novocaine hasn't worn off yet? So half of my lower jaw region is numb to pain. I can literally stick a pin into around where my lip is to around where my chin is and not feel it.

Basically, what I'm saying is.. $360 for IV anesthesia and they can't even put the correct dosage in? Or maybe I can only hope that my face is permanently Botox-paralyzed so I can sue this people and make some money... perhaps I can actually afford college if I do that.. lol. But really, healthcare in this country blows. You have to get a $1500 orthodontic surgery on your mouth and insurance doesn't even cover part of it. What the hell is that? Would they prefer to pay for like some tooth/gum-cancer years down the road when I leave it in there and it gets a tumor on it and then I need some crazy-ass surgery to remove half my face? Yeah that's right, good call people, good call.

Anyways... Lit Final anyone? It kind of reminded me of that scene in Pulp Fiction where they bent the guy over the pipe and... well, you get the idea. 250 questions of pure unadulterated Hell. And the Advanced Math final was pretty fun as well... especially when I went 30 minutes past the time limit (good thing I er... couldn't make it to first period and had to make it up 9th, or I would have been screwed.)

Well, that about does it for this entry. Maybe next time I'll write something that actually has a bit of focus to it.

Words of Inspiration

Now that finals are rolling into town, full swing. I figured I would interrupt my studying habits with a break to write a little somethin' somethin'.

School is pretty much just society's way of getting you down. It seem to be a microcosm for high society's elitist interpretation of social classes - I'm only talking about grades though, other options will most likely be explored later.

Those who get straight A's (in school - not on finals) are elite. They're in a new social order in which college is the forefront of thoughts and getting in is not very difficult - it depends on how high into this 1337 world they want to travel into.

For those who get A's and B's, it's like upper middle class. You're almost there, but not quite - you could be a threat though, so watch out. If only you had worked a little harder, neglected the family a little more, slept a little less, then you would have gotten the raise and higher paycheck - the A.

For B's or B's and C's... high society says to you, "Good luck and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." In terms of what it's similar to in society - this is bordering into blue collar, but still in the mid to low white collar range of jobs right here. You're not really in the 6-figure range, therefore are not worthy in their eyes.

For straight C's.. well.. society says to you "congratulations, you're mediocre" through their false smiles. They really just want to laugh about you with their other elitist friends.

Anything lower than that... unfortunately you're the people who proverbially cook their meals, haul their rash, connect their calls, drive their ambulances, and gaurd them while they sleep.

In terms of finals. Finals are just another way of sticking it to you. If you happen to be on the borderline to move up or down into one of those classes, they really want you to screw up. They hate people on the fringes... and therefore, that A you need on the final in Honors Literature - they don't want it to happen.

Stick it to 'em. Get that A that they don't want you to get.

Parting Words

Well, I sit here in study hall of my last 5th period lunch, reflecting on the long semester that I've had, but mostly the fact that I have to switch my lunch period because of weight training.

This isn't really too big of a deal, I suppose... but maybe it is. I came into 5th lunch with extremely low expectations - other classes were filled with people I know and wanted to eat with, but lunch was the exception. There was not a single person that I wanted to eat with in this lunch period when I walked in the first day. I kind of supposed I would have to eat with John and the kids he was going to sit with (A-Well, Loesch, etc.) and have an absolutely miserable time, all year looking for some excuse to switch a class and end up in a different lunch period.

Low and behold, I was online the first day of school when Chelsea IM'ed me, complaining about the lack of people in 5th period lunch, asking if I knew anyone in it. She said she knew like one other person but that's it. The next day I sat with her and Katie and then a few days later some "assorted underclassmen" joined our table (who knew the other two from swimming).

And now I look back on this semester, filled with many laughs, heated debates about how the Giants suck (all I hafta say is "Playoff game? What?"), discussions about the swim team politics (I mostly just listened to these while pretending to know what they were talking about), and of course, the LHS Pool. These people who I vaguely knew from previous classes or not at all have become highly valued in my mind because it's always interesting to get a different perspective on life or school - and they're seperate from the absolute crap that I've had to deal with in terms of my friends and immediate social life.

So I guess what I'm saying is... give people a chance and things will surprise you in the way they turn out.

(Oh and btw, anyone from my table who reads this; good times.. and my parting words, keep fighting the man with anti-establishment beliefs, don't go to Starbucks, and don't buy North Face fleece jackets. And the Bears do not make people emo kids... lol)

Harry Potter Fans

Listen up folks, I have a little enlightening story to tell...

We've all read the various Harry Potter books, seen the movies, or at the very least seen the books at the top of the New York Times Bestseller lists for months on end. These seemingly harmless tales of wizardry and the fantastic adventures of the "boy who lived," are actually much more harmful than they appear to be at first glance.

Now, I'm not some Christian radical that thinks they are the cause of devil worship and are a bad example on children. No, it's worse than that. Now before I say these potentially shocking words, I will take you on a journey of observations.

Many past years there have been innumerable book signings, Harry Potter themed events, and even all-night sessions waiting for the book to be released at 12:01AM on the release date. I'm not taking about your standard person who reads the books for fun... We've all seen it, we all know of the crazy Harry Potter fans out there - these are not your average people, they practically worship these books, movies, and hell- even the Harry Potter Lego creations. It's beyond ridiculous; they even wear wizard clothes on days that aren't Halloween.

Anyways. The shocking words; the Harry Potter Fan-dom is a cult. There is no other legitimate explanation other than that. It turns out that J.K. Rowling's rags to riches story is a total fabrication. It's a cover-up... a Middle Eastern terrorist group contracted her to write brainwashing literature to distribute in the West. Basically, we're just sitting on a ticking time bomb here.

When Harry Potter dies in the 7th book (oh come on people, you know it's inevitable), every Harry Potter fan will commit suicide because they will be unable to live without the presence of this wizard in their life. They might even take out a few innocent bystanders while they're at it. We're just waiting for another Wako here. Watch out. It's going to happen.

Newsflash: North Face Fleece Jackets are a Friggin Waste of $

This one goes out to all of you trendy North Face kids out there.

In case you don't live in the Midwest, or the proverbial tsunami of evil hasn't hit your town/city/school/area yet, here's a little background on this rich kid phenomenon. The North Face is a company who sells extremely overpriced jackets and assorted other winter products such as hats, gloves, coats, and whatever else. This brand has become extremely popular around the US. On their website, they say;

Now, 38 years after its start in the outdoor industry, The North Face provides an extensive line of performance apparel, equipment and footwear. Offering the most technically advanced products on the market, The North Face is the choice of the world's most accomplished climbers, mountaineers, extreme skiers, snowboarders and explorers. The North Face is committed to pushing the limits of design, so that you can push your limits outdoors -- never stop exploring.

I'm sorry, I think you guys said extensive, I think you mean "overly expensive." Yeah. (Haha, I know that was a good one, wasn't it?) Let's think about this - it's the choice of the most accomplished skiers, snowboarders, etc. Most accomplished - that means that they're professional athletes. Or rich. So basically what they're telling us, is that it's the choice of people that they choose to sponsor. Ah ha, there we have it folks.

The North Face is a brand perpetuated by "trendy" rich kids who want to flaunt their money (or their parents are just that cool that they buy these trendy but ridiculously priced pieces of merch for their kids). These people can range in age from being a super cool fifth grader with a cellular phone to a college kid flaunting their swank $90 Abercrombie and Fitch Ezra Fitch Premium Solid Shirt.

I did a little online window shopping before I decided to write this - and discovered the lowest priced North Face Denali 05 fleece (the most popular style) I could find, and discovered quite the bargain. Yes, indeed, folks. At the Mountain Sports online store, I came upon a (drumroll please) $150 North Face fleece. WOW! I almost wet my pants when I realized how much of a bargain that is! Fifteen whole dollars off of the original price?! Holy crap!

Now, I also looked up fleece jackets from Columbia Sportsware - a very reputable company in this industry. What looked to be a similar type of jacket was the Columbia Six Glacier Sweater - I was able to find this retailed at about $80.00 at Sports Authority. Wait, fakeout, I actually found it on sale for a mere $39.97 online. North Face kids, be aware, (even forgetting about the sale price) you're paying over 2 times what any normal fleece (hell, Columbia is a damn good brand, and it's not exactly bargain basement either) costs. Good call people, good call.

Let's also look at the plain, simple fact that. I live among a suburb of Chicago and observe this viral phenomena of North Face fleece purchasing. Key word there being Chicago. (In case you didn't know, it's colder than hell here.) People who want to use this as their winter coat must purchase an additional "shell" for the coat, bringing the price up to roughly... $400. For a coat, mind you. I just bought a new winter coat for snowboarding on sale and I spent a mere $100. (It cost around $200 to begin with - and this is a nice coat with a zip-out lining that I can wear seperately as a fleece jacket.) Hahahah suckers...

Actually, since North Face has infiltrated society so much, it's almost a non-issue (but feel free to laugh at and make fun of those kids, and flaunt your $40 fleeces), but all too often, the North Face kids are also Hollister kids. And, well... this is the most deadly combination ever...

A note of safety to my readers: If you see a Hollister and North Face kid do not try to observe this beast and do not make any sudden movements. Slowly back away until you are out direct harm, then run hastily toward the nearest Goodwill/Salvation Army/Resell-It store (they would never be caught dead in such a place.)

Live From the Scene of the Crime

Note: definitely had to repost this about a half of a dozen times, due to it incorrectly showing that I posted this before the NY Eve sucks post, which would obviously be wrong.. and wouldn't make chronological sense (or just my mood in writing).

3:00 AM first day of 2006 WOO~!!.Actually ended the night (or started the day) whichever you want to call it, on a positive note. I got the line on a party that I should have gone to, unfortunately it wasn't the people I called who told me, and it was just a wee bit too late, but oh well. Props to Tomayo on that one...

My New Year's Resolution: To meet and discover new people, and be open to change in relationships with friends. Be more positive and take more chances in terms of meeting girls and new people to be friends with. Try to reestablish the friendships that broke off in late-2005 and if they don't work out then drop them, hard. Don't need to bring any excess baggage into this hard year (think about it - 1st semester finals, 2nd semester/finals2, summer before senior year, first semester senior year, ACT/SAT, college apps.)

Starting the year on a positive note - Signing off...