Top Five Worst Christmas Gifts 2005

1. XXX: State of the Union or a similarly crappy DVD (like maybe "The Fog") - This just sucks. Honestly, who comes up with this crap? I saw the Fog earlier this year... if I was unfortunate enough to get the DVD version of this, I would probably go ahead and slash my wrists and let it bleed all over the DVD packaging. Yeah, and you really can't take them back either, because the cheap SOB who bought it for you probably got it in a $10 bin at Blockbuster. Yippee-Kai-Yay MuthaF**ker!

2. Undergarments - Not only is this awkward, but it blows. If I need to buy boxers, I would just go freaking buy some cheap ones from Target or something. I don't need American Eagle boxers - totally unnecessary. As a general rule; unless it's from the "Very Sexy" collection at Victoria Secret (and for your female significant other), it's probably a no-go.

3. iTunes Gift Card - Here's an idea. Give someone a CD with Limewire downloaded onto it. Provide postage-paid envelopes as well. They can download music from there and then go ahead and send the artists a buck a song. Then the artist doesn't get screwed, you're not supporting a record company, and Apple's profit-share doesn't go up more than it needs to. After all, they make enough money as it is selling iPods and crap like that.

4. Starbucks Anything - Go buy a mocha-frappachino in a bottle! Not. Starbucks is soo lame. So is the whole teenage coffee generation. Why are people wasting their hard earned money from their $5.50/hr fast food jobs in coffee shops where a so-called "Double Cappachino" costs like $3.75. (The coffee beans for that cost about 21 cents.) And another thing about Starbucks. WTF is up with the ridiculous amount of coffee choices. Sometimes enough is enough. When you can choose your coffee by the individual f#cking village it came from, that's a bit too crazy, what if you just want to buy some regular coffee? Why all the bullsh##?

5. Hollister Clothes from some random relative - This is probably the worst gift ever. See this article (See December 21, 2005) for more information on Hollister kids. Not only do all of these clothes make you look like a stupid preppy little whore, if you want to return then, you have to delve into the atmosphere of a poorly lit, crappy music, jackass-employee Hell. They describe themselves as; "the newest southern Cali lifestyle retailer geared towards energetic and outgoing guys and girls." (Read: geared towards lameasses and crackwhores.) What the hell kind of place sells jeans for $69.50? Holy crap...

What didn't make the list:
- Monogrammed crap that you didn't ask for. Especially when they screw up your initials TJO? wtf happened to the capital B in "O'Brien?"

- Crappy regifts with the price tags still partially on. We're talking blatant regifts here, like a picture frame pillow, with the sticky price tag half ripped off, and ugly fabric.

- Anything that looks like it was free = scummy. Way to tell someone you care, buy them something that you got for free in the mail. (Or out of a cereal/crackerjack box.) Very classy.

NOTE: Contrary to popular belief, I did not recieve any of these gifts (with the exception of an Abercrombie shirt a few years ago, which is kind of like Hollister on the caliber of stupidity). These are gifts that I came up with or was helped to come up with by observing gifts others received and by asking relatives what their worst gifts were.